Alan Greenspan’s much-anticipated memoirs, entitled “The Age of Turbulence”, hit bookshelves last week. The fanfare surrounding the novel was amazing, with people in some areas of the country queuing for hours in much the same way they would for a new Harry Potter novel. Outside of the Wall Street Barnes & Noble, approximately 400 middle-aged, balding stockbrokers gathered. While some donned thick glasses and wore suits covered in dollar bills, others argued feverishly about the merits of a published inflation target. Reporting was difficult, however, as the crowd quickly became reticent when the media entered the area.

It has been a month now since the dust settled after the final, frantic charge of millions to get their clammy hands on the concluding installment of the bifocaled boy-wizard’s adventures. As the last of the particularly slow readers lay down Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the realization that life has been forever changed slaps the bepimpled Potter fans across the face like the hand of a spurned transvestite.
The multitudes of fans that have relied on J.K. Rowling’s series for so long are currently in a state of bewilderment. This generation of socially inept virgins, with a young-adult reading level, and a preoccupation with fantasy novels and Magic the Gathering, has become a prevalent and worrying issue.

CLEVELAND – Everyone knows that comedian/actor Drew Carey, 49, has announced that he will be replacing legendary host Bob Barker this fall on The Price is Right. But in a press conference yesterday, the affable crew-cut-sporting Carey revealed why he chose to be on the program. “America relates to me. Anyone who has listened to my stand-up or watched me on The Drew Carey Show knows that I am just an ordinary, middle-class guy who likes to drink. And what game show do I love to watch most when I am hung over in the middle of the day? You guessed it: The Price Is Right,” the millionaire black-rimmed-spectacle-wearing Average Joe said.

The line between being an informed, disgruntled American displeased with our country’s morality and direction, and a flag-burning anti-American meddling detrimentalist guilty of treason is very small. At least that’s what Rush Limbaugh, the religious Right, and “The Silent Majority” believe.
Not so much here at Lush For Life. Though we publish “fake news,” we have been associated with the Liberal Left, the Bleeding-Heart media, and the Jewish Media Conspiracy. Though we have never admitted to being a part of any of these agendas, we know what side of the line we would be standing on if the proverbial shit eventually hits the proverbial fan. Upon a viewing of Michael Moore’s newest documentary “Sicko” – an in-depth analysis of the American health care system, and the lives that are ruined as a result of it – a refreshed contempt for our country’s corruption and lack of moral fiber has been revived in all of us; from our paranoid Senior Editor Egbert Sousè, to the one-legged, mentally-challenged chimp mopping the floors in our basement who devours all of our back-stock of Angostura Bitters. Not a problem, though. Since watching “Sicko”, we have all the bitterness we need.

LOS ANGELES – Critically acclaimed writer/director Quentin Tarantino made an announcement, Tuesday, regarding the new film he will produce in the upcoming months. Tarantino’s announcement to Lush For Life came via a live video feed Tuesday morning following an all-night Cristal and finger-slicing binge with Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks and filmmaker colleague Robert Rodriguez.