WASHINGTON – To the casual news watcher this week, two stories stick out like George W. pronouncing “incandescent” correctly: Iranian President and international man of insanity Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s visit to New York, and former Heisman trophy winner and slasher-killer O.J. Simpson’s run in with the law. Though the two stories seem, on the surface, unrelated, Lush For Life’s crack (smoking) investigative team has uncovered a massive, international conspiracy, linking the two events together in ways even more disturbing than the Eagles’ cornea-searing throwback uniforms.

As more and more celebrities are discovering the cash cow that is the fashion industry, one has to ask the question: just because you wear clothes, should you be designing them? Celebs like Jessica Simpson are finding out that you don’t need to be a talented actress or singer to still make money; a line of cute coats and perfumes can be just as profitable.
But you don’t have to be a marginally talented musician in order to cash in on people’s need to have a taste of celebrity at home, as it now appears that terrorist leader and would-be fashion designer Osama bin Laden will be releasing a new fashion line in mid-September.
Last week, the al-Qaeda top dog released his first video statement since October 2004, in which he tells Americans that they should convert to Islam, as well as calling the Democrats pussies for not ending the war in Iraq and praises the anti-war writings of Noam Chomsky and Michael Scheuer. But the content of the message was ignored, in favor of the much more interesting color change in bin Laden’s beard. Speculation has been rampant over the reason for the cosmetic enhancement to the most-wanted’s whiskers, until today when a second video was released featuring an in-depth interview with bin Laden.

Continuing an obsession with secrecy seldom seen outside of the wards of mental institutions, the Bush administration revealed recently that the President underwent treatment for Lyme disease last year. Lyme disease is transmitted primarily by ticks and, apparently, Bush receives many tick bites during his normal bike rides, confirming that even his popularity rating among the insects has reached all-time lows.
The disease also has been associated with neuropsychiatric symptoms, including depersonalization, hallucinations, and panic attacks in its later stages. Doctors claim they successfully treated Bush’s disease in its early stages, well before any such symptoms could have arisen. However, since depersonalization is often defined as a lack of connection with reality, some questions do exist as to whether it is the symptom of a recalcitrant Lyme disease influencing Bush’s Iraq policy, although, other than in the hazed minds of Lush for Life reporters, no solid evidence has emerged to support this notion.

WASHINGTON – “They hate our freedoms - our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote and assemble and disagree with each other.” Those were the famous words of our great leader, George W. Bush in his 2001 joint session of Congress. With the threat of terrorism around the world steadily rising, the White House has now decided that it is finally time to act on this philosophy to put an end to attacks on American interests. The new policy was disclosed yesterday when Senior White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, described the well thought out plan:
“Since September 11th, we, the American people, have been living in fear of crazed Islamo-Fascists, homosexuals, illegal immigrants, liberals, scientists and other barbaric, Godless haters of Freedom, but now the time has come to fight back. With the ongoing war on terror in Iraq and Afghanistan going so well, we now think that it is time to start attacking the underlying causes of terrorism – namely, our freedoms.”

CUPERTINO, CA – It’s here! The iPhone has hit the shelves like a heroin-starved junkie hitting a methadone buffet. The Mac addicts are out in force, lining up in front of Apple stores all around the country, scaring women and children with their long hair, freethinking ideas, and dorky t-shirts. Lush For Life, being an Apple-only organization, was eager to get our hands on one of the highly anticipated smart phones, and succeeded (read our review on page X), but also to find out what really makes the iPhone so special.