The Dalai Lama is causing trouble again. The mutually suspicious but financially lucrative relationship between China and the U.S. hit a small bump in the road last week. That bump was a bald man with a permanently serene smile welded onto his Tibetan head. His Holiness the Dalai Lama was in Washington to receive a Congressional Gold Medal and to meet with George Bush. Numerous focus groups from Europe and the U.S. informed the White House that any time the President spent within the peaceful aura of the Dali Lama would help to improve his image as a war mongering fool. There only remained the problem of the Chinese…

Ever since Chairman Mao decided for political reasons to invade Tibet soon after World War II, to divert attention from the catastrophic famine sweeping China at the time, the Chinese Government have taken the “none of your beeswax” approach to discussing the Tibet issue. One Asian historian recently presented evidence that suggests the Chinese army were told prior to the invasion of Tibet that The Forbidden City of Lhasa was built with marzipan and almonds and any soldier could help himself to the confectionary city. The historian sites as evidence the numerous tooth marks that can be seen on the foundations of the wall to The Forbidden City and the unusually large number of dentist surgeries still operating in Lhasa due to the number of teeth broken on the not so sweet masonry.

These days any mention of Tibet has sent sparks of righteous indignation through the sharply dressed members of the Chinese Polit Bureau, especially in these sensitive moments leading up to the Olympics. Lush for London and Yahoo News scooped this unusually emotional response from the Chinese Foreign Minister:

“We solemnly demand that the U.S. cancel the extremely wrong arrangements,” said Chinese Foreign Minister Yang (sweet tooth) Jiechi in Beijing. “It seriously violates the norm of international relations and seriously wounded the feelings of the Chinese people and interfered with China’s internal affairs.” After giving the interview Mr Jiechi went and sulked in the corner giving the assembled Press evil looks while trying not to cry.

When the Foreign Minister had calmed down he showed us pictures of tens of thousands of Chinese citizens looking upset and on the verge of tears. The Lushforlife Chinese correspondent later commented that there was no way of knowing if these unhappy Chinese citizens were crying tears of regret that President Bush was to meet with the exiled leader of Tibet or some thing more meaningful to the people such as, The Mattel Toy factory they worked at being closed down (due to the lead paint and design flaws in the latest Barbie), or maybe their children being sold on the Chinese black market (current prices range from $500 to $3000 ), or even lack of sun light due to humungous amounts of coal burning fire stations in the Northern regions (The photo was black and white but had been taken with colour film).

Back in the States there was another reason the Dalai Lama had taken the time to visit Washington and the President, one that had been kept out of the published itinerary. The last time His Holiness visited the President, the Dalai Lama was keen to know if Bush could pick out Tibet on a map of the world. When the President pulled out a map of America and started to scan through the States he knew, the Dalai Lama bowed his head and sighed. He promised to return and give Bush a geography lesson.

We had hoped that the Lush for Life spy cam that we had installed in the Oval Office would be able to pick up on this primary school level geography class but in his wisdom the Dalai Lama jammed our attempts to eavesdrop so as to protect this fragile mind from ridicule. However, The President was seen leaving the oval office sucking on a lollypop so we know that he must have got at least one question right, either that or the Dalai Lama believes that every person deserves a sweet for trying.

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University Police during a question and answer session with Jack Hanna at the Sun Dome. Myers, a senior majoring in anthropology, insinuated that the host of the popular TV show Jack Hanna’s Animal Adventures continued his relationship with animals off camera. “Is it true that you get lonely after filming your show? I mean; you of all people would know that monkeys are down for anything. Maybe even a little hand job action. And look at that sexy thing over there; you’ve got to be kidding me that you never noticed the super suction on that anteater’s nose! I bet you put your moccasin in there at least one time just to see how it feels; I know I would!” Myers said to a cheering crowd.

WASHINGTON – US Press Secretary Dana Perino arrived at the podium, the air heavy with tension, when she broke the news that heralded super-sleuth Nancy Drew had been captured and now detained by the CIA at the infamous Guantanamo Bay terrorist repository in Cuba.
Perino, sullenly, addressed the awaiting press: “Good morning, everybody… I have some disturbing news about heralded super-sleuth Nancy Drew: it appears that she has been conspiring with terrorist organizations to commit crimes against the United States. While I cannot go into detail, as we have an on going investigation, I can assure you that our intelligence is strong on this and you will be updated at the appropriate time. Now I will open the floor to your questions.”

Lush for Life’s newest intrepid reporter, Marriot A. Lamb, has been aware that Hillary Clinton has been getting more than her fair share of attention with regards to her proposed changes to the Health Care system.
He called Mitt Romney (who is at least a Presidential candidate with a full complement of decision-making organs) to get some perspective on her proposal.
Romney was in Salt Lake City buying more magic underwear for his campaign, but agreed to talk on condition that Marriot promised to become a Mormon. (You’d think he’d know by now that you can cross your fingers behind your back when you’re on a phone when no one can see you!)

General Jack Keane, architect of the US “surge” in Iraq, called British Prime Minister Gordon Brown a “yellow-bellied loser,” in referrence to the British Army turning tail and retreating from the strategically vital stronghold of Basra in the South of Iraq. British military sources have told Lush For Life that the withdrawal was part of the ongoing process of handing responsibilities over to Iraqi security forces.
I asked Keane, in a telephone interview, what his thoughts were on the devolution of power to local forces:
“You British guys are a bunch of pussies – either you got our back in this imperialist occupation or you don’t. Who said anything about training the locals to do anything? If we did that, we wouldn’t be in control, would we?”