WASHINGTON – The vulnerabilities of the United States Government’s computer assets were thrown into the spotlight this week as concerns in and around the beltway began to grow with the surprising announcement that the Chinese People’s Liberation Army, or PLA, had hacked into a network affiliated with the office of Secretary of Defense Robert Gates last June. While the network reportedly only contained unclassified information, officials acknowledged that employees sometimes break protocol and accidentally send classified information over unclassified networks such as the one in question. This fact, in and of itself, is surprising because cyber security experts agree that organizations such as the PLA (and almost every other major government spy service) routinely monitor insecure communications from the US government. In any case, the network targeted in the attack had to be shut down for over a week so that the threat could be diagnosed and countered.
Shortly after the announcement regarding Secretary Gates’ network, Lush For Life investigative reporters learned that an even more high-profile target had been breached long beforehand. While the National Security Agency, the organization seemingly in charge of this country’s information warfare, tried desperately to keep it under wraps, concerned officials decided they could no longer keep such an explosive issue secret: a specially convened government taskforce has now confirmed that the cybernetic brain of Vice President Dick Cheney has been hacked into and reprogrammed by the PLA.
While severe degradation to the circuitry since the attack has made the initial attack on the brain increasingly difficult to recognize, most experts now concur that the hack probably first breached security on February 11, 2006. Evidence has emerged showing the attack severely affected the balance functions of the brain at the moment Cheney fired his hunting rifle, causing the shot to veer considerably off-target, resulting in an injury to friend Harry Whittington. The press corps, at the time, assumed Cheney’s aloofness after the incident was a result of his lack of respect for President Bush. However, the hacking is the real reason that the Vice President would, seemingly randomly, spout off revolutionary passages from Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book.
Even though security experts were able to neutralize that invasion somewhat rapidly, the complexity of Cheney’s neural networks left open the possibility for further hacking. Many officials with access to certain information now believe that the Vice President has been compromised again, and that this invasion is much more potent, explaining why no one has seen or heard from Cheney in quite some time.
While officials refused to give specifics, here are some of the things to watch out for in Cheney’s behavior that could signal a fresh invasion:
• Sudden acts of kindness and, in general, compassion for another human being.
• Inability to maintain a grimace on his face.
• A genuine understanding of reality.
• Control over his temper and language on the floor of the Senate.

Based upon these facts, Lush For Life is certain that, during most of the Vice President’s term in office, he was unaffected by PLA hackers. However, that could easily change, so constant vigilance in both the government and public at large must be maintained.

CUPERTINO, CA – It’s here! The iPhone has hit the shelves like a heroin-starved junkie hitting a methadone buffet. The Mac addicts are out in force, lining up in front of Apple stores all around the country, scaring women and children with their long hair, freethinking ideas, and dorky t-shirts. Lush For Life, being an Apple-only organization, was eager to get our hands on one of the highly anticipated smart phones, and succeeded (read our review on page X), but also to find out what really makes the iPhone so special.

LYNCHBURG, VA – With the discovery of the Microraptor gui, archeologists have attempted to fill in another evolutionary gap. But the excitement surrounding the world of paleontology has come crashing to a halt. Dr. Henry Rachling, a professor at Liberty University, has made a critical discovery.
After years of investigation, Dr. Rachling has discovered a vast network of scientists with the primary function of fabricating fossil matter. Rachling claims that this group goes under the covert title, “The Organization for the Furtherment of David Hasselhoff’s Music.” Rachling says that the group has members throughout the world, although there is a dense concentration of these people in Germany. The professor also insists that these scientists are funded by the “secular left.”

A near-disaster in Tampa’s medical community has ended happily.

Several months ago, Tampa Bay nearly lost one of its orthopedic specialists. Dr. J. C. Marcus Asgard III, was having a slightly heated discussion with his wife one morning, when she uttered the fatal words, “Marcus, you’re not God, you know!”

Dr. Asgard was so badly affected by this brutal attack that his eyes glazed over, he swayed, and then collapsed. When his wife could not find his pulse, she dialed 911. Luckily, an ambulance reach the house in record time, and paramedics were able to save the doctor.

DETROIT - The H2 Hummer emits 3.5 metric tons of carbon per year (about the equivalent of two cars) and gets a whopping ten miles to the gallon.

On the bright side, the H2’s gross weight is over 8,500 lbs., which means that the US government does not require it to meet federal fuel efficiency regulations. Additionally, the government tax incentives for buying a Hummer vastly outweigh even those for buying an electric car (although GM killed their EV1 years ago).